Yes. I could not pick a better song or a better title. And probably looking back (maybe 15-20 years or so), I will read this post and get to laugh at it (or entirely delete the post). You know what they say sometimes, things are clearer in retrospect.

A friend told me that you’d know when it’s true love. You would just know it. There is a SIGN!  I was gunning for something really literal – like maybe a huge arrow with neon lights around it plus an embossed “YES, DUMBASS! THIS IS IT”.  There is no turning back. But no, for slow people like me – I didn’t pretty much get it until I found myself crying every single night listening to songs like “Need you now” by Lady Antebellum or “Love Song” by 311 asking myself  “What the fuck am I crying for?” or “Why does this have to be this way?” “Why the fuck does this hurt so much?” and “You???? Why does it have to be you???”  “Really??” “Seriously? I’m having a meltdown because you won’t talk to me and I cannot function like I used to???” “Really, is this what I get for working my ass for 2 years???”  And the crazy shit goes on and on.

You see at this point, I know I am not making sense. These are just random outbursts of rage slash….  I don’t know… misery. Truth is, I never saw it coming. Have I not been clear enough? I just need to reiterate this.. how could I not see this coming. Me, at 27 years never had it in me. Some might have even thought of me being asexual – I am a unicellular being incapable of relationship or much less a romantic inclination. I have been clearly blindsided by how brilliant you are and how sometimes I wish for one day, I could think like you and would very much want to marry your brain.

That is how sad this life has become – because that is how I felt after I realized that maybe you are what I have ever really wanted. But I lost you.  All this time, I haven’t been really looking for anyone I would want to spend my non-work days with. I was pretty much a regular workaholic – 14-16 hour shifts??? Bring it.  Life was pretty much linear to me – Workdays, weekends, they’re still work for me. Work, friends, family. Work, work, work.  It is all that matters to me because life outside work is just me, my imaginary kitty (by that I meant a pet), and quality time with friends and family.  I wouldn’t say it was boring or that I was unhappy then. I wasn’t really, unhappy being single.  That’s probably why I wasn’t looking then. But then you had to fluster me with your impeccable grammar, your brilliance in numbers (two of the things I unfortunately lack), and well, your confidence – okay, 3 of the things  a good candidate for any position should have.

The first cut may be the deepest (or whatever cliche you got there).  At first, I thought about how we click, just about our chemistry. The things I thought were just plain funny and that I was amazed at how you are not offended by my humor, like others would be and how instantaneously I could respond to your banters without really feeling such a douche. I thought connecting to you on a personal level would make it easier to work with you because I always had a theory about good working relationships, that you’d have to level with the person or that you’d at least be thinking at the same wavelength.

But then in between those sessions when my brain was just about to give up from work, we would have these conversations that are sometimes subversively entertaining and very very much conniving to the point when I thought, something is not right. But of course I dodged the idea. I was having fun. FUN is a relative concept. I realized.

Then we started having our own inside jokes, something that became intuitive and special (for me). Did our connection grow deeper? Are we now in sync?  Did our eyes communicate? Did actions need no further words?  For me at some point it came to that.

Didn’t had a slightest hint of weirdness in me. I continue to go with the flow. I just continued feeling comfortable. Maybe this is how we are, as friends. But then I realized I felt more than that when I began ending e-mails with TAKE CARE.

WHERE IN THE FUCKING HELL DID THAT COME FROM??  Was I being sweet? Wasn’t that beyond platonic?  Why is there malice now?

Who put those words in my mouth? Why are the walls going down?? And so this is how I fall?  HARD. FLAT. DELAYED FOR A YEAR?



Wouldn’t It Be Nice

The first real date I think I was on was just last year.  I had no specifications on how a real date would be for me but based on the amount of time I spent watching romantic-comedy films, I have come to a conclusion that it can be summarized in three parts:
1.  The beginning. Two people. Let me rephrase, Two people who have mutually-agreed to be part of it. One of the two, initiated the it.
2. The middle. The basics.  Movie? Dinner? Or just Coffee. The meat of the pie.
3.  The Ending.  A smile on the face. A giddy unexplainable expression  that will leave  you sleepless for days, if it turned out pretty awesome or if it did turn out horrible, a proverbial kick in the nuts.

I am sorry but I would probably give you the blow by blow account on how the night transpired.I think it turned out great.

Going back on the three major pointers I specified earlier here is actually what happened in reality:

1. The Beginning –  He said “Let’s watch a movie.” I wasn’t sure if it was an open invitation to the rest of us who were inside the office at that time. And I am not sure if anyone else was paying attention. And I was thinking, it appears that judging from the statement it was already set. “Let’s watch a movie” as opposed to “Would you like to see a movie?” wherein the other person would have the chance to ponder and respond Regardless because I was clearly just overthinking,   I obliged. He asked if anyone else is joining . I paused and thought,hmmm. Well the others saw it already. The hype about the movie was so-last week ago. And instinctively, I already know the answer. I said none. I asked the same thing to him “You?”. He said none.  Two people. Mutually consenting. Check.

2. The Middle –  I surprised my supervisor when I said I would not be extending office hours for the night. And yes, it was unusual at that time. We went out of the office conspicuously( I think I was pretty conscious now that well, maybe this is really a date, date). I haven’t really been in one that I am looking forward to since College).  I picked the theater. I picked the time to accommodate the fact that he’d be coming from his class. No, he’s not in College. He was taking post-grad studies.  The movie was awesome. After it, he asked if there’s a coffee shop nearby. Sadly, the one I knew was already closed. It was  almost midnight at that time. And since we were hooked on the movie and were having unresolved issues about it,  I obliged to his persuasion to get coffee. We went to the coffee shop nearest to the building where we used to work. And we talked, and  talked about anything that comes to mind, mostly about work and some of his personal stories came about. And then we realized that it’s almost 6 a.m. and that well, we still have work later. The meat of the pie. Check.

3. The Ending – We walked out of the coffee shop. It felt surreal that it was already 6 a.m. Time flew by so quickly. I guess that happens when you are having fun.  I asked how he will go home and he said that he’d probably take the jeepney. He hailed a cab for me. Brushed my hair with his hand ( which was odd for me at that time), and said that the night rocked. And I was pretty speechless myself.  You can pretty much tell that I won’t be kicking anybody’s nuts at that point.

When I checked facebook that day. I saw his status update ” You’d know you had a great movie night, when you forgot about how awesome the movie was because the company was way better.” It may not be the exact words but I pretty much have a sharp memory. I think that was what have been said.

Chickened out to reply to his post (Yes, the cowardice began that day), I posted my own status message: “I concur. : )

I had to admit that at this point, you will start throwing rocks at me because that was the most juvenile thing that I have done. What’s holding me back from just liking his status or just well, commenting on the post itself?

It hit me that I am not ready to publicly admit that I had a great time with him and that I was being a douche. I am pretty lame at this point.  The night wasn’t.  And I hit me like a yellow school bus. I actually like this guy.

I didn’t admit it publicly. Was I suppose to? I didn’t know. I was not informed. Clearly, I have been clueless at that time that, that might have been it.  The first best date ever.  I wasn’t conscious about it the whole time, however in retrospect I have seen that it was the proverbial big bang.

I have never felt like this before — knowing the very exact details of how things transpire for that night and having recurring thoughts of it was one. I never thought about that like how I thought about let’s say the PROM or some other event I’ve have been in the past.  That sneaky son of a bitch! I really didn’t see this one coming.

I guess you can pretty much conclude that this was the real beginning of how things would come to a gruesome cliffhanger. Stay tuned.